I was thinking, "What is a Shaman exactly?" Because I wanted to be one. So I looked it up.

\Sha"man\, n. [From the native name.] A priest of Shamanism; a wizard among the Shamanists.

This is not helpful.   I unfortunately don't know anyone else who is a Shaman, therefore I have decided to create my own Shaman religion. So far there is no working religion. only a rite of passage. It is called......

THE SHAMAN RITE OF SOLITUDE

1. A Shaman must go camping by himself for three days and two nights in a urban or suburban environment.
2. Nothing can be brought by the Shaman except for a tent, a sleeping bag, and the Shaman robes to wear.
3. The Shaman must beg for all food, breaking himself of relying on himself for sustinance.
4. The Shaman must not re-enter society unchanged.

Anyone can become a Shaman this way, and I plan on attempting it this weekend.  I still need to design the Shaman robes.

The Shaman is the wickedest phattest hippest hep cat around.  I am the Shaman.

Your Next Fashion Update

STEP 2: (This step is to be completed after STEP 1.)  DO ALL CLOTHES SHOPPING AT THRIFT STORES.  If you followed step 1, you should have a hatred and distrust for labled clothing (labels are for jars. You are not a jar.).  Now it is imperative to stop shopping at places that sell namebrand clothing at namebrand, inflated, Honduras sweat-shop supporting prices.  Even if you buy a plain black t-shirt at Kohls,  Kohls still sells all those status symbol clothing items that you have sworn to avoid.  By buying from Kohls, you are giving Kohls more money to buy Nike hoodies made by El Salvadorian woman working for 25 dollars a month and being constantly humiliated, threatened, and sexually harrassed and even abused.  If you want to support the creation of human shaped animals by maltreatment, by all means, shop at Kohls!  But you don't have to.  There are !!!!!THRIFT STORES!!!!!!  Thrift Stores are the savior of true bargains without trampling the impoverished.  Thrift Stores are created with the impoverished in mind!  Not only do they sell clothes at dirt cheap prices (as in $2 for some really slick brown polyester pants),  they support the struggling economies of lower class city districts.  Everytime you pump money into a Goodwill or Salvation Army, you are pumping money into the pockets of the poor man.

On top of these ethical issues associated with Thrift Stores, these places are just plain unprecedently most triumphant.  Three piece, plaid suit, $14.  White t-shirt with Jackie Chan inside of a heart with a small child, $1.  Green plaid bell-bottoms, $2.  The satisfaction of wearing hideous clothes to see Legally Blonde 2 with your fashion bound friends, most excellently tremendous.   Even if your not into horrible tasteless clothes, there is everything there, for an extremely low price. I'm not sure of the state of Thriftiness outside the U.S., but I wish it well, for these stores are the last few bastions of true economic freedom... sorry for rambling slightly.  I love the Thrift.

To whom it may concern:

The following will be a step by step treatise on how to break free from Fashion's icy cold grip of sinister death that chokes most people's throats untill compliance and comformity becomes the only option.

How To Break Your Fashion Shackles

Step 1: DO NOT WEAR LOGOS.   Remember that everytime you wear a clothing item with the manufacturer's logo emblazed in bold, bright letters on the front, you are actually paying the company to advertising their product.  Your humanity has been degraded into a nothing more than a breathing speaking commercial.  You have not *sold* your soul, you have actually *paid* to have it ripped out of your Abercrombie Brand Soul-Holder and stuck in a holding tank somewhere in an East Coast wharehouse next to cardboard boxes full of gleefully surrendered Honor.  Whenever you wear something that says who made it, you have paid that company to be their bitch-o'-the-day, pardon my Freedom (for the slow, I substituted freedom for French GET IT GET IT GET IT???? ME SO CLEVER!!!! [excuse me sir, but your joke is stale. Last weeks news.]  SHUT UP!!! I'M CLEVER!!! DIEIHATEYOUYOUALWAYSMAKEMESAD!). 

More to come.

I got a job to support my addiction.  Have a good McLife!  I feel like I'm sacraficing large portions of my life to my new god, McMoney. 

[enter chanting in background from throngs of crazed, confused, sad people in a cave lit by torches]

CROWD/CULT:   For here or to go? For here or to go?  For here or to go? For here or to go?  For here or to go? For here or to go?  For here or to go? For here or to go?

[enter a young, devlishly handsome and charismatic leader type.]

LEADER TYPE:   McMoney! Hear my cry!  Be appeased!  As I pour the contents of the McDonalds brand 'Liquid Egg Product' from this milk carton looking apparatus onto a large incendiary device, let the sweet, sweet odor of our new and delicious McGriddle sandwich (and for a limited time only 99 cents) waft to you nose.  For you, McMoney, are the ends and means to all happiness!  Oh McMoney!  The pursuit of your Greenness inspires a growth of character for all who adhere to the teachings of the economist, your humble prophet and sometimes lover.

[EXEUNT all]

I wish I was King of the Moon.